Gross overestimation

I've been medicated for almost a year. 10 months actually. Started on one type of drug, then switched to another after a few months. The psychiatrist said he'd increase my dose until I felt a change and then we'd try to even it out. I see him once a month roughly, and while I haven't felt a change per se, I guess things are decent. I've mentioned this before I think. Anyway, while things have been ok the last few months, I guess I should expect relapses. 

I had one such yesterday. Was out drinking with a few friends, and the whole thing was just too overwhelming. The one pillar of support I had sort of counted on, wasn't as steady as I needed, which isn't really anybody but my own fault. I just didn't get the input I had been expecting, and then, as it always goes, I start letting small things bother me. Spent a lot of time idly looking out the window, while my thoughts raced. I wanted to go, but I wanted to stay too. I didn't want to give up. But I knew that unless a drastic change happened, I'd have to leave before I did or said something stupid. I ended up going, to people's surprise, which sort of surprised me back, since I had basically been sitting silently for an hour. You can only read signs and pamphlets for so long until you basically run out of things to do. So I packed my stuff up and went.

Felt like shit afterwards. Walked all the way home and had my thoughts racing. I felt several things. Anger, bitterness, hurt. I wanted to cast blame, but as always when you have to do that, I was presented with a dilemma; cast it upon myself, and feel the bitterness of once again having failed at a social event. Cast it upon your friends, and risk losing them, or angering them. I couldn't decide if I was the problem, or if I was right in my accussations. I felt cheated. I felt ignored. I felt like a puppy who, at his master's heel, was thrown a treat once in a while to keep him happy, but besides that, basically ignored the rest of the evening. Made me resentful. A lot.

I got home, and was really shaken up. Sat at my comp for a bit, but the smoke had done my eyes over something fierce, and I was tired as hell from not having slept a lot after a night shift. So I almost fainted into bed. Didn't sleep too long. The day after was ok. The aftershock of the events of the night before came late in the evening, as they usually do, and I went to my bed again, to stay in the dark for a while. Let my mind wander. I had been asked out by a few people from work, and they said they'd text me. They didn't however, which I was both chuffed and miffed about. But it turned out for the best, as I doubt I'd been worth much in my state, had I gone out.

Now, two days later, I'm at ease about the whole thing, although I'm still a little bothered. I think I've come to the conclussion that the night wasn't fair to me. I felt abandoned by the very person I had come to see, and who, in turn, had come to see me. And while I'm not really the sort of person who likes to cast blame, I just felt it surge through me on the walk home. I really felt hurt. And it gnawed at me. Damn dilemmas. I hoped I could go out without shit like this happening, but I guess I'm still dependant on the reactions of other people. I can't, for the life of me, strike up a conversation with a stranger. Nor do I really want to. I go out to have fun with friends. Not to meet new people. New people are of zero interest to me, unless they are presented properly.