The depression didn't do it!

What I wanted to convey with the title for this post is, that it wasn't due to my problems with depression, that I didn't write anything for the past 22 days. Sure, I've had a couple of rough spots in September, after a long while of almost nothing. And that bothered me a great deal, but I've also had positives. And I've had indifferents. As in, things that didn't concern the condition really, but were just sort of there.

Not going to do a whole list of stuff, because they aren't that exciting. But I will tell you about the ones pertaining to my personal mental disorder. You see, after 6 months of exile from my psychiatrist, riddled with a visit to the mental emergency room, and an uppage of my medication, I finally managed to get a hold of my psychiatrist, and make an appointment. I kind of lost faith in him some time back, since none of the medication has worked so far, and then he was gone for a while, and I felt abandoned. But a friend of mine, who's also a patient of his, brought me up, while she had a session with him. Unorthodox, I'm sure. And it could've been misinterpreted by me, seeing as I'm usually not fond of people messing around in my affairs without me asking first.

But it didn't bother me. Quite the contrary, as a matter of fact. She discussed things with him, and took it upon herself to bring him to the understanding, that things weren't going well with me at all. Apparently he realized she was right. So when I did get a session with him, not only was I prepared to say it like it was, that I wasn't affected by the meds at all, and that things weren't going well at all. I have ok times, and I have times where ok is a distant dot on the horizon. I want the status quo to be ok, and then only go above and beyond that. I said that, in other words. But I said it. And he was clear on it as well. He said, that I had been sick for long enough, and that it was a waste of life. It was time to get better. I agreed.

So he had spoken to a woman psychologist, specializing in this cognitive psychology. She works at a clinic with 4 other women, and they all do pretty much the same sort of thing, only with different approaches, I think. He (my psychiatrist) had used them in the past, and he was able to make a special arrangement for me, so most of the bill would be payed by the healthcare. And I'd only have to pay a smaller amount by myself. Still a decent amount of money, but nothing close to what I'd have to pay, had I not gotten the support by health care. He also upped my dosage, and I left with the feeling of change in my body. It felt good. Something was being done!

If this guy could talk, he'd be your therapist...

When I got home, I gave her a call, and she told me there'd normally be a longer waiting period for her sessions, but that she had actually just had a cancellation the day after. I immediately leapt at the chance, and told her anytime, anywhere, I'll be in. So I went. And the first thing I noticed was, I wasn't really scared. I had imagined myself being really scared of going. New person, me telling her about my thoughts, me having to do something about my own condition. But first and foremost, me being scared of not being sick. I know it probably doesn't make sense. But when something is all you know, not having it by you, is scary. Even if it's a bad thing you have around. But I'm determined to toss that anxiety aside, and fight whatever it is I need to fight.

So she called me in, and we had a talk. First about who I was. Not the usual "What's wrong with you then?" talk. That does nobody any good. No, she just wanted to know a bit about who I am, and what I do when I'm not scared. As in, what I do for fun. I told her about my job, and the stuff I do. And in turn, she told me about her job, and her methods, and what cognitive psychology is, and how it applies best. It was interesting, and provoked thoughts too. I mean, I had read a lot about it, and heard friends talk about it. But hearing her say that things could get better, and that social phobia is the "easiest" to apply this sort of therapy on, just felt good. It was like, somebody told you, after years of dragging a ball and chain around, that as long as you worked a little on it everyday, you could have it off by the end of the year.

I got some forms I need to fill out. Questionnaires about myself, really. And I've got a notebook for keeping track of stuff. Also, I've got a paper where I will write down situations that bother me, why they bother me, how I felt, and what I did. It's interesting, and I'm keen to 1) get better of course, but also 2) see how it progresses, from a scientific point of view. I'm fascinated by this ability to make people think differently about how they perceive the world, and how other people affect them. Without forcing anything upon them, that is. But merely by helping them to help themselves.

Anyway, when I left, I felt like I had taken the first step down a new path. Might be a few weeks before my next session, due to the amount of clients. But she said she'd call me again, if they got cancellations, and if not, then I'd be going regularly from October at the latest. Ideally, she said, she'd want me there once a week. It will cut into my budget, but I think it's worth it. More than worth it, to be honest.

So there. That's pretty much it. Lots of other stuff has been going on, mostly my purchasing and installing of a surround sound system. I'll outline that in a later thread. I'll also need to finish up my writing on the Berlin trip. I'll get it all done. In good time. I just wanted to let you know, I'm still out there, circling the drain!