Entries by Louiszche

Yeah, things are clearing up for me. Phew.

There were times when I really didn't know if we were gonna make it (could I ever forgive and let go?), but my spirit is up now. I'm still hurt, but only when thinking about it and I think I need to loosen up (because I have become kinda obsessive with sending him text messages all the time, urgh! Never thought I would be one of 'those' chicks!), but all that will come in time.

I don't think I have made a more responsible and right decision in my life than staying with him. We really are a team, we just tend to forget it and let our weaknesses take over instead of talking with each other. We'll try to fix that. Things are allright. Now the water just has to settle and become calm once again. I love him.

Yesterday I bought "Baldur's Gate" 1, 2 and the extensions to both. For DKK 50,-!! Kinda cheap. Sooo old games and everything, it's just a total trip down memory lane. Whoa! Just a terrible shame that I SUCK! OMG I have never felt more ashamed. If my team at CS found out I would lose all credit I have. So... Sccch! Don't tell a soul. I have even... *shutters*... considered CHEATING! OMG LULZ! But apparently the game is so old that real cheating wasn't invented when it was developed, cuz you can't get god mode or anything, and even have to change the game code to get the little cheat there is to work. Christ.

Baldur's Gate for the win - and much better than Diablo2 (but I play tabletop roleplay with dices and everythin', so I can't really be neutral since D&D is like a very old, very loser-kinda friend of mine).

It happened.

It's 4.50 AM and we have talked all night. We're still together. I won't go into detail about it, because it's very private for the both of us. Shit, it's hard. I feel so weak and small right now. I know what to do and NOT to do, but what I'm not supposed to do would feel so good. A part of me wants revenge. It wants to hurt him as much as he has hurt me, wants to supress any loving feeling and just destroy as much as possible before taking off.

But I love him. God, I love him so much! If only he did not love me, but he does. I hate being an adult. I hate the world. I hate myself... I blame myself for everything, even though I shouldn't, even though he's also saying I shouldn't. But I know that it is part my fault. I know that I'm not good enough, I don't make do and fuck that is so sickening.

Listen, this is pretty negative. I just need to let all this out. I have no one to talk to about this and I don't want to either. But I need it out. There are also a lot of good stuff, a lot of love and respect, otherwise I wouldn't be with him still (I'm not a fool). I just need this bad shit out of my system.

Why can't love just be easy? Fuck it. If you're not already trapped: Stay single.

I love him. He loves me. Why does anything else have to matter??

I'm frustrated and sad, don't know what to do about it...

I feel that my boyfriend is pulling away from me. It's not that obvious, it's more of an instinct. I know that many people say that you should talk about it and not think you can read minds, because it always ends badly. But I really trust my gut-feeling - it's a cliché but is has never been wrong before.

He - my boyfriend - is going through some rough times. He is trying to figure out who the hell he is and where he is going which is hard enough as it is. But he is also being pressed and bullied by his family, who have neither empathy nor sympathy with the hard time he is going through. I know they think they help - but when they have been told several times that they are not helping anything then I think it's about time they start listening and either get real or f... off.

I know my boyfriend is chatting with a girl over the internet; someone he has met through the online game World of Warcraft. I know this because he has chatted with her in plain sight, so I haven't done anything wrong or gone behind his back. But I really feel that there is more to that than what it seems. I admit that I do have a tendency to become jealous, but I always know when I'm out of line and when it's just me being silly. This time it is very different. I know OF her through people from my boyfriend's guild - people who are also MY web-friends. They tell me that she is often up to no good. Even though she is living in the United Kingdom I still feel sick about it. My limits can be crossed and he can "cheat" even over the internet. It's not nearly as bad as REAL cheating (read: sex/kiss), but it is still going too far and pissing on my trust and love. Yes, I trust him but he has pushed my limits more than once and done things that was hurting to me because he didn't think straight at the time. I only feel like I've really known him for the last couple of months even though we have been together for little over a year. He tries to act so strong and confident, but I know he is not. I know he needs female attention to feel good about himself and normally he can get it without hurting my feelings, but there has been an incident or two (forgivable, but still hurting) which has made me very aware of the fact that he is only human and can fall like the rest of us (I just wish it was on other areas than socialization with the other sex). 

He has, as already written, been pulling away from me. Not just physical, but also mentally. Not all the time, but I feel a distance between us that wasn't there before. More often than not he goes online when he is mad or frustrated instead of talking to me. He doesn't share anything with me anymore and I have a feeling of sand slipping through my fingers. I'm afraid I'm losing him and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like he's officially OK with me, but that the story is much different "off the record".

I don't want to lose him and I'm very frustrated. But I know that I won't gain anything by pressing him, more likely I'll push him further away. I have to wait until he is ready to talk to me, but the feeling of helplessness is awful. I am almost positive he is doing things I'm not OK with and that he KNOWS I'm not OK with, but on the other hand I don't want to be that kind of girl who sneaks behind people's backs, no matter how justifiable the act is. Besides I think I will find out what is going on soon enough. Eventually he will have to talk to me. It's the waiting part that's the worst.

If anybody is reading this, please cross your fingers that everything is going to be OK, even if you don't know me. I deserve happiness.

I know it has been awhile and I'm not even sure if I'm still allowed to post on this blog. But as I see it Dalif can always delete my existance here, so I suppose it will be fine.

My exams came and went and I did well. I'm pretty average when it comes to grades and it suits me fine. I just seem to have a tendency to panick 24 hours before I have to show, so I never get any sleep and therefore look like a murderous maniac who have been drinking too much coffee (last part true though). Perhaps I did so well because censor where threatened by my appearence? Oh well. Too late to change now.

My b-day is coming up real soon. It's the 4th of July. It sucks, because everybody has to point out that it's the American Independence Day. I don't care, go away!

It turns out I have my own little fanclub at this debate board both me and Dalif attend. I don't get it - I never say ANYTHING smart and I also swear a lot. But it seems that this cat is worth listening to according to some (which makes me consider the possibility of an Armageddon on the rise).

I, too, have seen the new Brucie movie. I hate it!! Well, I love Bruce... But ninja-dude shouldn't die in a giant meat hacker! That's just lame, LAME I SAY...  - And it's not even Peter Jackson who's intructing. Bah! The similarities between Die Hard 4.0 and Lord of the Rings 2-3(extended versions!) are stricking. I will have to study this pheanomenon further (reports will of course be posted here).

For the record: Dalif owes me a beer. Haha! Now he cannot deny it any longer, for this blog only shows the truth. =[

Today was awful and it was all because of the men in my life. ARGH, why can't they just NOT be in the way?

I've stayed at my boyfriend's house this weekend and also today, because I had no lessons to attend. Yesterday he promised me that we would spend some time together and I was glad, because he used the entire weekend raiding with his new guild (yeah; he plays WoW... More ARGH).

Listen, I'm a fair girl. I don't need full attention from my current 1st choice man - but I need warnings. I have my own hobbies and my own friends, so I don't feel an urge to just sit and watch him play, like he doesn't have a need to watch me rip off the hair from my legs with hot wax. It's all good - so why DOESN'T he just say so when he has planned to play the ENTIRE weekend?! I'm not even mad... But I'm thinking about getting even.

So... He wanted to make it up to me today, right, so he convinced me to stay another day. He had, as he very describingly told me yesterday, all these romantic plans for today. Yeah right - he walked down to the habor with me and watched the sunset for half an hour and then we had to go home... Because he had a raid?!! ZOMG WFT?!!

Listen guys... I know we girls can be a real pain sometimes... Some even most of the time. But when you get a hold on one of those rare girls who are not bitchy, who are independent without being afraid of commitment, who thinks it's just fun when you fart and burp, who likes to have sex every day, is beautiful & feminine, and does the cooking and cleaning and laundry like it's naturally her job alone (and no - it's not!) when you don't even live together - then-treat-her-NICELY! Because when she runs off with that puppy-love geek that soothes her every evening on ICQ while you are busy drinking/gambling/gaming/burping/all of the mentioned - you'll be sorry. - There aren't that many of us out there, you know!

But hey... If you'd rather have a demanding, ugly, lazy drama queen that loves her tichy-whiney-little-honey-pumpkin-kitten cat called Prince Snowpaw more than she loves you... Be my guest.

Since I have no desire to be trapped in a claustrophobic small room all day long I went to the gas station to buy some chocolate to ease things up a bit. On the way my dad called me on my cell. He bitched for like 15 minutes because I had supposedly done something bad... until he suddenly out of nowhere realized that - oops - it was HE who didn't unplug the stove before leaving Saturnday. No excuse, no nothing - he just told me good evening and hung up. Gee, thanks dad; that's not a total moodkiller... Or something.

Why, why, WHY are the men in my life imbeciles at once?! Do they plan ahead: "So father-in-law can you piss Louiszche off this and that day? Okay? Then I do the dayshift and you do the evening...". Ooooh, I'm not bitter, no. Nevah. But I DO want to get even (ideas are most welcome)...

//Over and out from Girl World.