Not Quite IRL

Just found this entry in my drafts here on dalif.com. Thought I had published this a long time ago. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, here is the unabridged story conveniently titled:

"I learned a lesson over the weekend."

As you'll probably know, I was riffling through boxes today, trying to tidy up in some of the crap I've got around. Well I did manage to sort 5 years worth of opened and unopened mail. Bank letters, all kinds of official letters, letters from various agencies... that sort of stuff. Boring, but I'd rather keep it sorted in case I needed a specific letter one day, I'd be able to find it, instead of, as usual, having no idea where stuff is. Anyway, in the box with the mail, I also found a bag of misc stuff. Some gamepads, old receipts, a few manuals for different electronic gadgets, a small piggy bank with foreign coins... I also found a pair of handcuffs. That costs me nearly 3 hours of productive time spent in agony.

I used to have two pairs. They are essentially playthings, but whereas one of them has a small mechanism for unlocking the cuffs, the other pair does not. That pair was always the most fun, seing as getting out of them actually constituted a challenge. I spent many an hour picking the cuffs in all kinds of scenarios. Locked to a chair or a table or whav have we. I managed to pick the locks of both cuffs behind my back in 11 seconds flat, with just a paper clip. Cool, I thought back then. I had the same thought for a while today. But I knew just tossing the cuffs on willy nilly would probably be a mistake. So I found a paper clip, and picked the lock of one side of the cuffs. Was easy. Cool, thought I. I must still have my mad skillz of yesteryear. So I toss the cuffs on, and start picking. But they aren't coming off as easily as I had imagined. In fact, they aren't coming off at all. I pick away, but can't seem to get the technique down properly. An hour passes where I'm focused on getting the cuffs open, without success. I consider briefly looking for a key that's bound to be around somewhere. But it'd take me forever to find one, provided I even have one still.

Another hour passes, and I'm still not getting them open. My paperclip is worn thin at this point. Has already broken once, and I'm not sure where to find another. I start prowling the apartment for items that can be used. But I come up empty. Not gonna say I panicked at any point, but.. it was starting to get pretty annoying. Also, my wrists were turning red. Finally, the left side popped open, and I went to town on the right side with renewed vigor. My dad was supposed to visit during the evening, and I slowly realized I probably wouldn't be able to get the cuffs all the way off before he came around.

And I wasn't. So I presented the problem to him, and he tried to pick the lock for a bit. But he had less understanding of the locking mechanism than I had, so I decided I'd just keep trying idly, while chatting to him. So I did. 30 minutes later, they popped off, and I could rub my burning right wrist and once more smell the clean brisk air of freedom. The cuffs are now on the kitchen table, and while I think it'll be a while before I give them a go again, I can't help but admit it was fun with a bit of a challenge. I'll need more paperclips first tho :)

Right... I've just about had it. It seems to me that just about every other shift I'm working at that hotel, I find some moron sleeping on a couch in the bar or some other place. What the hell is it with me and that hotel. Are we random people magnets? Does the hotel scream: it's ok... you can sleep in a couch in here without getting disturbed, as long as you don't mind cleaning staff about you.

So this morning, it's a swedish 50 or so year old guy with plenty tattoos on hos hands and arms. The guy has even taken off his shoes for more comfort. It's about 6 in the am, and the cleaning fuckers are just loafing about. It's the second time I've experienced them not telling me when somebody's sleeping in the bar. I try to explain to them that it's important they let me know. But for some reason, they don't. Anyway, I wake him up with a shake of his leg. Not much for touching these weirdos tbh, but I gotta get him up. He's come to life, and I tell him it's go-time. He's looks a little bewildered, but acknowledges the request. My colleague tells him it's now. Not in 5 minutes. He gets up and starts putting on his shoes, while I walk towards the reception area.

I start messing around with a computer, when my colleague approaches me with the guy's credit card in hand. "Do we have any rooms.. He'd like a room", he asks me. I'm momentarily baffled. Does the guy actually have the nerve to ask for a room? I grab the card, and tell my colleague, that no, amazingly enough, we don't have any rooms for this guy. I walk over to the couch sleeper, and ask him if he understands me (seeing as I speak danish, and he speaks drunken swedish). He nods. So I tell him, either you get out of here now, or I will charge the hours you've slept on our couch, to your card. He accepts his card, and starts to walk towards the entrance. Half way there, he turns and mumbles that he's sorry. I disregard him and walk away.

So... go to a hotel and sleep on a couch for free. When you are thrown out, you ask if you can rent a room. Is it just me, or does that sound like a thief stealing a car, and when stopped by police, he says: Oh, I wanted to buy this car.. did I not mention that to the salesman? I know I was being a bit rough with this guy, but seriously. It's disrespectful to a degree where I don't understand how the hell they even think of doing it. And how do they get in? Do they have a masters degree in sneaking about? And it's all kinds of people. Had a bum sleeping in the conference rooms the other day... an elderly chap with a backpack sleeping on the couches.. two chinese girls, no more than 25-26 sleeping on a couch one night. Where do they come from? Does this happen to all hotels?

I shake my head in disbelief... it's amazing really.

Besides me and m'colleague at the hotel here at night, a night cleaning team also occupies the premises. That team consists of some 4-5 different guys, with usually 4 of them working at the same time, throughout the hotel. They vacuum and buff the lobby floor, wipe surfaces down, cleans the basement and the restaurant on the 20th floor.

Most of them speak little or no danish. Some speak a little english, some speak spanish, some speak lord knows what language. Common for them is, they loaf about at night, and are, involuntarily the cause of much amusement for me. The best is then they get into an argument over something, and both are annoyed with the other, but neither can communicate it in any language the other can understand. It takes a lot of self control to not just laugh out loud at them. But be that as it may. One of them, a chinese looking bloke, does speak danish failry decently. He's a skinny little fella, and when he's here, he cleans the restaurant kitchen and floors. Now, I'm not usually the go-to guy when it comes to small talk during shifts. And as such, the cleaning staff and I don't communicate a lot. But this guy is pretty funny. He's on about a variety of different topics, most of which I find somewhat dull. But that's just me.

So anyway, yesterday he walked through the reception back office area at 07 am, where most of the morning staff had arrived. They consisted solely of girls yesterday, and while it's not bad during the nights, the fresh scent of girl perfume does lend a certain ambience to the offices. So he's walking through, taking it all in. Especially this one girl, Carina. He smiles knowingly at me, and then disappears.

Tonight, however, he's back. Asking about the hotel room availability, claiming he'd like to sleep on the 20th floor, you know, for the view. Fair enough. Then he lurks about for a while, then asks me if I wasn't impressed with the way the office smelled yesterday. I know where this is going, but figure wtf... won't hurt. I tell him the girls usually leave a certain nice and fresh smell around. "Yeah" goes the cleaner, "especially that blond girl". Sure, her as well. "Yeah, her husband is probably happy". I tell him she's not married. He looks surprised. I dunno if he had figured all nice girls would or should be married. Now, this is where he turn the tables and gets the better of me. Apparently blatantly selfaware of his own situation, he philosophises on how she'd probably wouldn't ever go for a guy like him, smelling things up from cleaning chemicals, working the night shift. "No, I'd probably need black magic to get a girl like her" he said. It startled me a bit, and I sort of felt sorry for him. I dunno why. I mean, he seems happy enough, and I doubt he was really serious about her, but still. Working the night shift as a service manager, as I do, might not be the fanciest job in the world. But the pay is decent, and I have a responsibility and I get to wear a suit and what have we. Superficial, for sure, but it does maintain a decent facade. He's a cleaner. Now, it's as honorable job as any, if you ask me. But it's inheritingly one that people think less of. And that's sad in a way. I felt a pang of guilt for some reason, and also a bit of respect for this guy. He's doing his best, and I hope it will help him get where ever he's going in life.

Squirrels are pretty amusing little creatures. They are lightning fast, and have rapid and erratic movements. They are also fairly cute. Came upon the following little clip yesterday, and watched it a load of times. I laugh the same everytime I watch it. One squirrel plays dead a record two times within seconds, to try and fool his adversary (another squirrel) in a backyard brawl. What I find the most amusing is the other squirrels reaction to this behavior. First time it goes down, squirrel two is looking like he's going: "What is this now... no come on, this can't be right!". Then Squirrel 1 comes back up, and attacks again, only to go straight down. And squirrel 2 once more looks like it's thinking: Seriously dude... you can't expect me to believe this. I don't even care about this fight anymore". The fight doesn't even really look that hardcore. It's like they're just messing with each other. Anyway, the second squirrel is priceless. Check it out.

Squirrel Plays Dead During Backyard Fight